(Working) Mum Survival Tips

Watching so many of my friends struggling with the same issues I’ve battled over the past four or so years, I thought I’d try to start compiling some advice to help us all cope.

I’ve put the (working) there because it started as being about advice I’d give mums going back to work. That’s my experience, so that’s what I’m drawing on. But the mums I know who don’t work seem to put themselves under the same sort of pressures, and in many ways work and juggle a lot harder than those of us who can escape to the relative sanity of an office.

And I'm trying to avoid those smug tips you get like 'pack the bags the night before' or 'start leaving the house 20 minutes before you have to actually go' because you know? Some days you'll do that and it will make you feel like superwoman. But most days you'll have been too damn knackered the night before to start packing bags at midnight, and the tantrum over what to wear will go on for such an unprecedented length of time you'll be running out of the house in your slippers 20 minutes late.

So here goes, the things I’ve done that have helped, or wish I’d done that would have made all the difference.

And one day I might even take my own advice …

1. Don’t be so hard on yourself
I bet you’re actually doing a really good job. Think about it. Ten years ago, you struggled to get up and dressed by noon. Nowadays, you’ve likely done half a day’s work by nine. And all without a coffee break.

2. Because you ARE worth it
Taking five minutes in the morning to do whatever it is makes you feel a bit better about yourself is really important. For me, it’s managing to slap some mascara on and dig out an accessory to brighten the day. One day maybe I’ll even get to add brushing the hair, a manicure and shaving my legs … You may have to let the kid/s poke holes in your prize eyeshadow while you do it, but it’s a price worth paying.
(and, every so often, if you can, take more than five minutes: eg I really really need to update my underwear. And sort out my wardrobe. And get a haircut …)

3. Yes, they DO mean it
If someone offers to help, accept. If they didn’t really want to, they shouldn’t have said. And it’s more likely that they’re a bit insulted you turned them down. EG I have a friend who quite often offers babysitting to her friends, and she thinks the reason they haven’t taken her up on it is because they don’t trust her with their child. WE know it’s because we’re scared our child will turn into nightmare demon monster and scream the place down. But look at it from her perspective: she loves children, and even if she has to cope with one night of tantrum, it’s not her whole life. She gets to walk away at the end of it … So – just say yes, And then don’t worry about it any more.

4. Live local
It’s taken me four years to realize that with a bit of imagination I can find all the things I like pretty much on my doorstep. And that traveling is exhausting and best kept for special occasions. Try not to commit yourself to regular journeys of longer than 10-15 minutes if you can possibly avoid it. And I include commuting in that. I speak as someone who travels at least an hour each way to work every day. It’s a waste of life.

5. They’ll take whatever you give
Kids and bosses have a lot in common, but the biggest is that they’re never going to sit down and say ‘look, you’re doing a great job, but maybe you’re giving a bit too much? Take a bit of space for yourself. I can cope on my own for a while’. It would be nice, but they won’t. Teenagers I’m sure will be another matter. But up to now, I’m finding my daughter’s like a black hole for love, attention, guilt and energy. You’re going to have to pace yourself. Give enough, but don’t give everything. You need to keep something in reserve for you.

6. Play for keeps
I once heard an interview with kids asking them what they’d change about their mum, and so many of them said they’d get her to do less cleaning so she would spend more time with them. I’m not suggesting you let things slide completely so you can indulge in 24 hour hide and seek sessions, but maybe you don’t need to have OCD level housekeeping standards? Time with your child isn’t necessarily about quantity, it’s definitely about quality.

7. Get all the support you can afford
Cleaning, ironing, laundry, shopping, cooking, childcare, school run. Support with all or some of these will really help to take the pressure off. If we could all have a Mary Poppins then there’d be none of that exhausted weeping when we can’t find a clean sock in the morning even though we’ve just done 5 loads of washing overnight …

8. Go on dates
It’s hard to imagine, but one day that completely demanding needy creature just won’t need you anymore. Well, except maybe for cash and the washing. Keep some of your love and attention back for a bit of long-term investment with your partner.
The PS to this point is: find a babysitter or do some swaps with your friends to make it easy to go out together, at least once a month. This is where bonding with your local NCT or post-natal groups will really pay off.

9. Get some space
This is especially hard if you’re working and feeling that every moment you get with your child is precious. But it’s all too easy to get stuck in a cycle of doing nothing other than work and childcare. Your friends are so important to remind you of who YOU are (or were). Stay in touch, and see them as much as you can, away from your family.
Little tip here: if you’re anything like me, because you’ve done nothing but work and childcare, you suddenly feel like you don’t have anything interesting to offer your friends any more. So meeting at the pool/karaoke/quilting exhibition can be an idea: that way it’s okay not to talk too much, and you’ve done something interesting to save up and use as dinner party conversation for the next month/year/decade.

10. Put your own oxygen mask on first
When the aeroplane’s going down, you put your mask on first, right? So you can stay alive to help those who need it. It’s the same with parenting. Eat when you’re hungry (and tired and grumpy), even if it means keeping your child waiting another five minutes. Take time away from them if it will help you to feel more human and be kinder to them when you’re together. If you put yourself first on the things that really matter to you, you’ll be a better parent than if you play the martyr every time.

Hope this helps! Please will you add your advice too?

xxx
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